Shortchanged?

I was at a park the other day when a friend told me she was thinking more seriously about having a second child, and wanted to know:  Do you feel like, with two, you’re able to spread yourself around enough, or do you feel like you’re always shortchanging one or the other?

Really, really good question.  So good, in fact, that I’ve been pondering it for two days.

The youngest of three, I can’t imagine life without my siblings.  I didn’t have a life without them.  They were my playmates, my best friends, and the people who love me in spite of every time I tagged along or tattled on them.  So it was never really a question for me whether I wanted a second child.  Surely Sebastian needed that, too.

Then I had him.  The second child.  Sweet, lovable baby Theo.  And, as all parents of more than one child will tell you, our family changed.  I started to type “everything changed,” but not only is that a boring cliché, it’s not true.  Most things didn’t change, in fact.  What changed was that there were new needs from a new person, and the other three of us got fewer of our own needs met.

When the family visits and paternity leave were over, I definitely did feel like there wasn’t enough of me to go around.  Someone always needed something and someone usually had to wait.  And of course, someone wasn’t always happy about it.

But the truth is, that someone was more often ME than Sebastian or Theo.  I got less sleep, I had less time to eat, I was grumpy about it.  On popcorn days especially, the children got as much attention as they could want, but I got very little rest or time to regroup.

Yes, I did feel like we weren’t getting out of the house enough, since someone or the other always seemed to be sleeping.  I was disappointed that I had to resort to letting Sebastian watch more videos than I would have otherwise, since that was a way to keep him in one place and out of trouble while I got Theo down for naps.  Sure, like another friend, I sometimes worry that Theo isn’t talking as much as Sebastian did because I’m talking to him less.  And I did occasionally mentally compose a post titled “At his expense” on tough days when I felt like one or the other of them was being shortchanged by having a brother.

But…

But honestly I think they gain far more by having a sibling than they lose.

Right now…
They are learning how to wait and take turns.
They are entertaining themselves when I’m busy with the other.
They are watching and mimicking each other.
They are making each other laugh.
They are sharing toys.

As they get older…
They’ll make up games to play and argue and sort it out.
They’ll stay up late whispering together.
They’ll  look out for each other in school and know each other’s friends.
They’ll sympathize over how nerdy their parents are but love us anyway.

There is more, so much more, that I want for them as brothers, but we’re only at the beginning of this path and I don’t want to assume what their relationship will be.

The bottom line is that our intention was to give our boys a lifelong partner through the inevitable highs and lows of life.  Right now I can only hope and guess and knock on wood that they will love each other as much as each set of siblings in my family does.  And most of all, I hope they will never, ever feel shortchanged by having each other, or any other siblings that may come along.

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P.S.  As for me being shortchanged?  Less than a year later, it’s already easier and less divided.  When I read stories, they both listen.  When I sing songs, they both dance and clap.  They’re on the same afternoon nap schedule, more or less, so I have time to myself again.  And I, too, gain far more than I lose by having two: two fabulously funny, silly, interesting, incredible little people who love me as much as I love them.  After all, love is one of those things that isn’t diminished by being spread around.