Mid night

I was sitting on the floor in my room, hunched in front of the computer screen.  Tap, tapping away.  Answering emails. Trying to polish up a new post.  Visiting other sites.  Ignoring the clock as it ticked away.

My heart skipped half a beat as I heard the cry come simultaneously out of the monitor and up through the vents from the bedroom below.  It wasn’t a sleepy whimper which might make me pause.  It wasn’t a painful scream which would make me run.

It was that cry that just means I’ve woken up and I’m confused and I need you.  I stood up and headed downstairs.

I slid inside, closing the door behind me.  His room was cold.  I had to feel for him in the crib, as my eyes weren’t yet adjusted to the darkness.  He was on his stomach, still crying out for me.  As I reached down, I was relieved to touch fleece.  Good, his daddy put the warm sleep sack on him, I thought.

In one motion, I lifted him up to my shoulder.  He laid his head down immediately, familiarly onto my right shoulder and twined his fingers into my hair around my left.  I restarted his lullaby cd and heard the oft-played notes of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”  His whole body melted into mine as his cries wound down to whimpers and then sighs.

This.  I’ll miss this.  I don’t know why I thought that.  I just knew as I swayed gently to the music and felt his body relax back into drowsiness that this moment was fleeting.

Everyone tells you it will go by fast, but often I am too swept up in the everyday-ness of the moments to appreciate them before they’re gone, replaced by another new normal.

This time I pause to soak it in.  The weight of this little person who is mine now, but not forever.  Who trusts me so completely and is reassured by my mere presence.  How lucky you are, little baby, I thought.  When you are sad, there is always someone to hold you.  

I laid him down gently and watched a little longer than I usually do as he rolled onto his stomach and brought his bear closer.

I tiptoed up the steps, closed the computer, and tapped off the light.  I slid into bed next to J and shivered.  His arm reached out and drew me closer, even as his breathing stayed sleepily regular.  And I, too, drifted comfortably to sleep.


I’m linking up with Heather for Just Writetoday!

Also linking up with Bruna for Let’s Bee Friends.
Let's BEE Friends

37 Responses to Mid night
  1. Caren with a "C"
    September 20, 2011 | 12:04 am

    Such wonderful memories. You’ll be glad you wrote them down. Babies are so innocent and precious.

    • Jessica@Team Rasler
      September 20, 2011 | 9:03 pm

      I agree, I’m always glad when I take the time to write these things down. Otherwise I always think I’ll remember them, but then something else takes their place.

  2. Barbara
    September 20, 2011 | 3:16 am

    Such sweet words to capture such an amazing moment. Even though my son is almost 2, I still love those moments when he just wants to crawl into my arms. I don’t know how many more chances I will have and I have to cherish them all!

    • Jessica@Team Rasler
      September 20, 2011 | 9:04 pm

      I agree, I love when my 3-year-old wants to snuggle. Before we know it they’ll think they’re too cool for that. (sob)

  3. Blond Duck
    September 20, 2011 | 4:22 am

    That’s so precious!

  4. Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year
    September 20, 2011 | 5:09 am

    Oh my. this brings tears. How lucky babies are, indeed. To always have someone to hold them. That makes this world we live in seem like such a beautiful thing.

  5. Shell
    September 20, 2011 | 7:00 am

    Oh, this is so sweet.

    Mine are no longer quite that small but I’ve been having similar thoughts lately- my younger two have been sneaking down into our room at night. And while part of me wants them to sleep in their own beds… another part of me has realized that they will soon think themselves too big to cuddle up with mama and drift off to sleep.

    • Jessica@Team Rasler
      September 20, 2011 | 9:07 pm

      I know, there’s always that push-pull. We want to get our own sleep and have them be well-rested, but the cuddle time is going to be over all too soon!

  6. zen-chakra
    September 20, 2011 | 7:21 am

    So beautiful, and sweet!

  7. Laughwithusblog
    September 20, 2011 | 7:51 am

    I loved reading this! I was captivated from the beginning. Alas I am expecting #5 and I don’t know if I will ever be ready to be “done” having babies. 🙂

    • Jessica@Team Rasler
      September 20, 2011 | 9:09 pm

      Congratulations on #5! I know what you mean. There’s a part of me that longs to have older kids so we can play board games and go to amusement parks and all that jazz. On the other hand, it’s impossible to resist the sweetness of the little ones.

  8. Gramma
    September 20, 2011 | 8:11 am

    I loved all the memories this brought back. Most especially, I loved the ending where MY baby has someone to hold her. My mother’s heart smiles, content.

  9. crnnoel
    September 20, 2011 | 9:40 am

    That moment where you’re searching for them before your eyes adjust? I don’t know why, but I love that 🙂

    • Jessica@Team Rasler
      September 20, 2011 | 9:12 pm

      Thank you! That was a part I almost cut out, but I was trying to follow the writing prompt of just write what you see. And I couldn’t see anything in that moment, so I put it into the story and left it. Glad I did.

  10. hmaewalker
    September 20, 2011 | 11:39 am

    I am such a wimp… this made me tear up… you live a great life glad to see someone slowing down to take it in.

  11. Heather
    September 21, 2011 | 6:41 pm

    Oh yes. I love this. Thank you.

  12. Pam
    September 22, 2011 | 4:34 am

    I’m so glad I found your blog on SITS. What a lovely post. How wise you are to know you’ll miss those moments one day. Yes, keep soaking them in! My “babies” are 17 and 21 now. I rocked my 21 year old to sleep until he was 2 years old. Everyone told me how wrong that was. I have never regretted it and cherish the memories.

  13. Tasha@ The Whole Mom
    September 22, 2011 | 8:28 am

    I love the part about how things change and become the new normal. Man, that is so true and insightful.

    That is why we have those moments, or at least I do, where we look at our kids and our heart drops as we think, “How did that happen?”.

    We just had a moment like that this week. We were watching our 11yo son and my husband looked at me and said, “He’s a young man now. How did that happen?”.

    It was all those moments becoming the new normal that we lived through but failed to see. It is so good to stop and really see those moments when we can. 🙂

  14. Sarah Kate
    September 23, 2011 | 6:48 am

    This gave me goosebumps. I miss these moments so incredibly much. I love the way you wrote it, too. It’s so true that everyone says to treasure each moment, but even the people that tell you that get caught up in the everyday, too. I think that’s just the way things work.

    Being honest here, there are more than a few nights that I miss being needed during the night – so much so that I’ll climb into bed with my now 9-year-old daughter and cuddle with her while she’s sleeping. She may not need me at nights anymore, but I still need her!

  15. JDaniel4's Mom
    September 23, 2011 | 7:27 am

    My little guy has been known to come check on us too. I love that he loves us enough to care so much about us.

  16. Rachel
    September 23, 2011 | 8:22 am

    I completely “get” this. I remember thinking those things while holding my growing baby and trying to memorize everything about those moments.

    You captured it so wonderfully!

  17. Lanae (@Hungrigyrl)
    September 23, 2011 | 5:52 pm

    That was such a sweet post, I could completely imagine the way you were feeling. I do realize how time is flying by for my 5 and nearly 3 yo boys and cherish the times they need me. I’m enjoying it while I can!

  18. Dana K
    September 25, 2011 | 10:26 am

    I try to remember this whenever Klaw is super-cranky & clingy. It will be too soon when he doesn’t want/need me to hold and comfort him.

    • Anne
      April 3, 2012 | 12:06 am

      True, these days are fleeting… Enjoy motherhood, this one lasts a lifetime.

  19. Lydia
    April 3, 2012 | 6:29 am

    Oh my gracious – thank you for this. I find myself (too often) frustrated that I’m constantly being grabbed for and NEEDED. You’ve helped me remember that it won’t be for long. Sigh.

  20. jamie@[kreyv]
    April 3, 2012 | 7:12 am

    That made me a little teary! I think the same thing every time I hold my two year old and sing to her. It won’t be long before I get to do that. They do, indeed, grow up WAY too fast! Thanks for sharing your blog today. I’m off to read more!

  21. jamie@[kreyv]
    April 3, 2012 | 7:13 am

    Oops. I meant, it won’t be long before I DON’T get to do that!

  22. Christine @ Love, Life, Surf
    April 3, 2012 | 7:43 am

    This is so very sweet. I love the moment when they melt into you while you are holding them. I get pieces of that here and there now but it’s not the same. I miss it.

  23. Bonnie Ferrell
    April 3, 2012 | 8:44 am

    beautifully written!

  24. Kristi
    April 3, 2012 | 9:06 am

    Sweet post! I love those moments and there aren’t many left in our house. Happy SITS day!

  25. Classic NYer
    April 3, 2012 | 9:20 am

    Oh, how sweet! This post just brought a smile to my face.

    🙂 <–see!

    Happy SITS day!

  26. Stephanie Bishop
    April 3, 2012 | 6:22 pm

    You have the right idea here!!! Cherish these times–they are over for me. Four kids–the oldest in college and the youngest is 7!!


  27. Barb - The Empty Nest Mom
    April 3, 2012 | 7:28 pm

    what a beautifully written post. So sweet. So tender.

  28. krystle
    April 4, 2012 | 11:23 am

    I love moments like those! We check in on our boys every night before we go to sleep and just watch them doze for a bit. So peaceful and sweet.

  29. Susan in the Boonies
    April 4, 2012 | 11:36 am

    Way to savor that moment, Mama.
    I’m trying to savor those moments while lying in bed next to my husband, too. He almost died from a completely out of the blue heart attack this time last year, and now I remember each night as I cuddle up next to him what an unbelievable gift I’ve been given, to have his warm body lying next to mine, each and every night,

  30. misssrobin
    April 7, 2012 | 6:05 pm

    You beautifully captured a precious moment in time. These moments are long in my past now, and I look forward to re-living some of them through grandchildren in the not-too-distant future.

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