thirty and three

Have I mentioned before how much I love birthdays?  I think I have.  But the last few have been…well… disappointing.

I spend too much time lately feeling inadequate, like I’m not sure what I’ve really accomplished so far or where I’m going next.  I feel mediocre.  But on my birthday, it is magnified so that I begin to feel crushed by all of my own unmet expectations.

This year, on my thirty-third birthday, I decided I would give myself a 33-day challenge.  I debated what it should be all weekend.  Exercise every day?  Give up sweets?  Transform my garage into a playroom?  All of these were worthy goals, but there were also all these stupid little nagging tasks that kept tickling my brain, keeping me from enjoying my free time, preventing me from moving forward on bigger, better life changes.

So I’m tackling them first.  Beginning today on my birthday and ending on Thanksgiving, I have resolved to complete 30 tasks that I’ve been putting off, in some cases for years.  They include finally writing a will, getting my boys’ Canadian citizenship papers and passports, seeing an allergist, and fixing a broken rocking chair.

Some are big and important.  Others are small and menial.  All of them have been sitting on my Task List, making me feel Less Than.  Less than organized.  Less than prepared.  Less than enough.

I may not accomplish all thirty.  But I’m sure as hell going to try.

Meanwhile, I’m going to avoid three happiness pitfalls.

1.  I will not stay up later than 11 p.m.
2.  I will not eat anything I don’t feed my kids.
3.  I will not say anything critical, about myself or another person.

I love to stay up late.  That peaceful silence, sitting in the cozy semi-darkness with a blanket, snack, and my laptop.  It’s when I read, write, and just think.  But it also means that if either boy wakes me before morning, I don’t get enough sleep.  I begin my day exhausted and cranky.  Less sleep equals less patience which for me equals more recreational eating and more criticism – mostly of myself.

Someday I’ll return to my night owl routine (complete with dessert), but for now I need close the computer and my mouth and get to bed.

I’m putting it here so that each day I can write out what I accomplished.  So far, on day 1, I made my list and ordered some things I need (like WillMaker software and pictures for Theo’s baby book).

Also, I had a happy birthday with these three wonderful guys.

Now I’m ready.  Let the 33-Day Challenge begin!