>Once upon a time, I had a full-time teaching job. It was neither long ago nor far away, though it sometimes feels as though it was from a different life. Because it was. It was from the years B.C. You know, Before Children.
In the B.C. years, I also had a house, a yard, and two cats. My husband and I took care of these things in the mornings, nights, and on weekends. We had a chore list that specified who did what. I hate cleaning the bathroom. He didn’t cook. It all worked out, more or less. A little less than more sometimes, as we continually reevaluated whether our division of labor was fair.
Then we had our first child. I still worked full-time: teaching half the time and doing day care for two babies in the other half. We still split the chores, doing them in our “free time,” which was becoming more and more limited. Still, aside from night nursing, things were more or less shared.
And then I stopped teaching and went on full-time childcare leave. My impression was that it was going to be my job to care for the child(ren) during the workday. I also thought a bonus of working at home was that I was going to occasionally get to do my share of the chores during the day and have a bit more time to sleep write in the evenings.
Flash forward a year and a half. My husband plays with the boys in the morning as I rush around trying to do as many chores as possible before he leaves, since changing the load of laundry without a baby on your hip is approximately five zillion times faster. As I clear the breakfast table of everyone’s dishes, I mutter angrily in his general direction that they don’t pay me enough to be the housekeeper around here.
This turns out to be spectacularly inaccurate, though, because of course a housekeeper gets paid far more than I do, since pretty much any sum is more than the big fat nothing I currently make.
The problem is that it turns out that “stay-at-home mom” too easily turns into “homemaker,” which apparently involves cleaning up after everyone in the house, even the person who used to clean up after himself and split the chores with me. Sadly I may have partly myself to blame. Somehow, despite the fact that caring for children is a full-time job, I seem to feel like I have to compensate for the fact that I no longer bring in a monetary income, and the way to do that is by taking on more than my share of all of the non-childcare work that still has to happen around here. I also just get into a groove of cleaning up after others, since two small children require an extraordinary amount of constant maintenance.
It’s hard, but I have to keep reminding myself –and occasionally others — that I am not the housekeeper. I’m the mom. Dishes do not whisk themselves to the sink and jump into the dishwasher. Laundry does not wash, dry, fold, or put itself away. I’ll take care of the kids from 9-7, Monday-Friday and whatever bowls they use or shirts they spill carrots on.
As for the rest of the house, yard, and the cats… I’ll do my half, no problem…
Until I can get the kids to do it for me, of course.
>Even if daddy wanted to do his half of the chores, it is hard to leave something undone, staring at you all day and quietly whispering that you are mean for leaving it. And the issue of not bringing in a paycheck is HUGE! So hard not to feel like a contributing partner, especially in an "economic downturn".Love the solution of just holding on until the boys are old enough to pitch in. So clearly obvious to me how much all three of my children helped out…and then they grew up and started their own houses….darn it. Great post!
>I really know what you mean. I certainly have a bit of a different scenario than you, but it still sounds all to familiar. So often I feel as if I am cooking for and cleaning up after the entire household. Often I find myself feeling as if I am asking a favor when I say,"can you play with him for just a really quick minute while I finish this up please". Only to realize I need those extra couple minutes finishing the meal YOU are about to eat. Or making sure there is a clean towel for you to dry your rump when you step out of the shower. Or scanning the floor for the coins that seemed to have poured out of your wallet this morning. HELLO!!Choking hazard..Why am I the only one on top of this! The list goes on. Yes, I feel your pain. Being a full time mama is just that- FULL TIME. It is more overwhelming than a average full time job and should never be underestimated. At the end of the day the other things should be shared responsibility. Period. You should not have to ask IMO. The fact that you are with those boys and there for those boys (rather than a nanny or sitter) is worth much more than you going back to work if you do not feel it is necessary. I think you are doing a very admirable job You are a great Mother!