What (most) mothers want

In the past few days I’ve read a lot of thoughts about Mother’s Day and done a bunch of my own thinking about it.  Is it just a Hallmark holiday?  Does it discriminate against non-parents or make them feel inferior?  Does this holiday sentimentalize mothers and their role in society?  Is it ok that a lot of moms want a day away from being a mom, or does that make them bad mothers?  What’s a good gift for Mother’s Day?

First I will say that I’m in favor of Mother’s Day.  And Father’s Day, and almost every other holiday, mostly because I love holidays and I think that any day that you try to make special for another person is a better day.  I like the idea that all of us pause to honor the mothers in our lives, whether they are biological or adopted, still with us or passed away, making us crazy or our best friends, our own mothers or just mothers we know that we think are great.  I know that some people will inevitably feel sad about such a holiday, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad idea to have it in general.

So now that you know my stance on Mother’s Day, let me turn to the main question most people were wondering this past week:  What is an appropriate gift for Mother’s Day?  I don’t have the answer for that, but I do think I’ve got a bit of insight into what most mothers want, on Mother’s Day and pretty much every other day.  If you can turn these into gifts, more power to you.  I know, the day has passed, but you can tuck this away for Father’s Day, a birthday, or for next year.

Anyway, here’s my list (feel free to add to it in the comments):

~Healthy and happy children.  The number of stories I’ve encountered this week of people who have lost children or whose children who have cancer is staggering.  Here and here are two such struggling families, and I’m sure they’d love to hear from you if you’re so inclined to go to their sites.

~Acknowledgment.  This can take on many forms, from a card to a phone call.  It can be a thank you or I’m glad you’re my mom or just You did something right.  This costs you nothing and often means the world to a mother.  We are pretty hard on ourselves, and it’s amazing how uplifting it can be to have someone else tell you that you’re doing a good job, even if it’s just at making sure the kids are wearing clean clothes today or say please consistently.

~Sleep.  Ok, this is probably true for everyone out there, but most of us mothers are chronically sleep-deprived (including me, writing this post well before the sun is up).  A little extra sleep makes us happy and gives us a better attitude about…well, everything.

~Balance.  No, I’m not talking physically (although these days my pregnant self is yearning for a little more grace and lot less waddle).  I’m talking about a balance between what we do for ourselves and what we do for our families.  Between work and home, if you like, or just how we spread around our time and energy.  Many more eloquent writers than I have discussed this problem, but every mother knows it exists.  We all have our ways of trying to find this balance, but I think we all appreciate outside help, whether that looks like someone else pitching in to do housework for a change, flexible work schedules, affordable childcare, or scheduled nights out with our friends.

So that’s my list.  I’m not against being given a pedicure or chocolates or a day off of changing diapers, either, of course!  But it’s obvious that these needs extend far beyond one day a year, and if we could stop arguing about whether Mother’s Day is a silly idea and start talking about how to help moms to get the items above, I think that would benefit us all.