One of my dear friends asked me a few weeks ago how I developed my self-discipline and what thoughts I had on teaching it to children.
My initial response was one of shock. I have so little self-discipline, I thought to myself. How can I answer these questions when I struggle SO much with this area?
Later, as I sat down to try to formulate an answer to her, I realized that I do actually know a lot about developing self-discipline because it is an area that is so difficult for me. I’ve done so much thinking, worrying, and discussing of this subject that I have formulated some ideas and tips that might help others as much as myself.
It’s a big topic, so I thought I’d split it up and write about it from the perspective of an adult trying to develop it in herself first, and do a separate post later from the perspective of an adult (teacher or parent) trying to develop it in a child.
Self-discipline is more or less the ability to make ourselves do the things we know we should.
It encompasses everything from eating right to exercising to following through on commitments to incorporating “down time.” Yes, giving yourself time to rejuvenate is something you should do.
The First Steps for Developing Self-Discipline:
1. Start where you are.
In order to move forward with any skill, you have to know where you already are. Self-discipline or willpower is like a muscle. It can be flexed, worn-out, or strengthened. Most of us want to strengthen our self-discipline so that we can accomplish more and meet more of our goals without wearing ourselves out. But before we can build up this muscle, we have to know its current state. So ask yourself these questions:
~What am I good at getting done?
~What do I struggle to do?
Both questions are important because if you’re like me, you focus more on where you’re not meeting your goals or being disciplined enough, rather than thinking about your successes. But your successes are actually the keys to making changes and strengthening your self-discipline muscle.
Example: I want to get a lot of different tasks done every single day. I started by making a list of what my ideal day would accomplish and found that it included at least 12 different tasks. Before I made any real goals about those or how to accomplish them, I just posted them on my fridge and checked them off each day to see which ones I typically did and which ones I didn’t.
2. Choose one small area to improve.
Many studies have shown that if you try to make huge changes, you are far more likely to fail to make any change at all or it’ll be easily reversed. We all know stories of people who either didn’t follow through on their grand plans to lose weight or they lost a lot at first and then gained it all back. Health is a bigger issue with more factors than self-discipline, of course, but one lesson is that we need to take smaller steps. We need to know where we are (step 1) and then figure out what is just one step beyond that. In teaching we call it the Zone of Proximal Development: it is the area that is one level up from where we are, and it moves as we grow.
So in my case, I want to get better at ten things all at once, and I want to get a LOT better at them right now, not just a little better at them in a month. However, the smaller steps with more reasonable goals are more likely to be successful.
Once we’ve made progress at one thing, we can add another thing or work on something new.
Example: Once I made my 12 task list and saw that I typically did about half of them regularly, I tried to do 7 or 8. Trying to do all 12 right away made me feel like a huge failure because I couldn’t do it more than one or two days in a row. So adding one or two more was more reasonable. Then when I was consistently doing 7 or 8, I tried for 9 and so on until now I can usually do all 12. Yes, it requires chocolate. I’ll write more about motivation in one of the later steps!
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That seems like enough to start with. I’ll write about the next three steps next time.
How about you? What are you already good at making yourself do? That’s the place to start!
The two things I’m good at making myself do are:
1) Cleaning the kitchen. This is because I can’t stand a dirty kitchen and I hate waking up to one. When the kitchen is clean, I feel better about everything even if the rest of the house is a total disaster… and, believe me, it is. Your jaw would drop. But my kitchen is a shining oasis amid the chaos. At least, until I attempt to make lunch with a baby in one arm.
2) Laundry. I don’t know why, but I really enjoy doing laundry. This is lucky, since I have to do it almost every day now that we have the little one. Maybe it’s because I like sorting things into categories (dark, medium, light, delicate) and because, when there is laundry in the machine, I feel like I’m accomplishing something even if I’m just watching TV while it’s washing! Or, if I do something else that is productive while the clothes are tumbling, then I am multi-tasking! Brilliant. Even folding the clothing and putting it away makes me feel good (despite the fact that I’m putting them away in the messiest bedroom the world has ever seen – or, at least, that’s what it feels like sometimes).
Despite the above, any wayward glimpse into my living room window would quickly reveal that I have absolutely no self-discipline… or, at least, only just enough to frantically shove toys behind the sofa 5 minutes before the contractor is supposed to arrive. After all, I only do the above-mentioned tasks because I kind of enjoy them – does that still count as self-discipline? Probably not. And, alas, it sounds like, in order to gain this yearned for quality, I’m going to have to muster some up just to get started… I hate the mess that my house (and, let’s face it, my life!) is right now, but it just feels so good to sit here with my cup of tea!
I, too, love doing the laundry for these exact same reasons. I also stream stuff (like Downton Abbey!) on Netflix while I fold them.
I must point out that even if your house is messy, you are a doctor and a mom so you DO have self-discipline. It’s just not as strong in the “cleaning up” department. But maybe some of the tricks you used to make yourself study while in med school might help you with other goals. But let’s face it: almost no one has a clean house with a newborn! I say cut yourself some slack and enjoy that TV while the laundry runs!
But this chocolate thing does sound promising…
Great post! I too often focus on what I didn’t do, rather than what I did accomplish.
So far, I’m pretty good at exercising. I was swimming for awhile, got bored, and moved to weights. After a year or so, I knew I needed more cardio, but I didn’t want to swim (and I hate running). So I’m trying out the “Boot Camp” class at the local Wellness Center. Though it whoops me, I do sense progress.
I’d like to do more writing/reading, so I’m going to try and make room for that, too.
It’s hard to fit in all our goals when we work and have a small child at home. I think changing up how you meet your goals (like switching how you exercise but still exercising) is a great tip that I didn’t include. Thanks!
Great tips! I really need to be more self disciplined for sure… haha!
Great tips! I need to be better about making lists and doing the things on them! I have a tendency to go back and add things that weren’t on the list that I DID do just so I can cross them off!
Ha, I totally do that, too. Two weeks ago I made a list of everything I do in a day, even the really mundane stuff like “clean up after snack.” I told my husband that I was doing it so that he would remember to do that stuff if I got sick or had to work, but deep down I think we both knew it was mostly so that I could cross a ton of tasks off the list every day!
Awesome, thoughtful post. It got me thinking. I’m good at being disciplined with some things but awful with others. Like exercise. Or scary, long term goals. I like your process for thinking through your goals.
I believe self discipline is a very positive sounding phrase but a myth.