I’ll never…

Do you remember that drinking game “I Never”? If you went to college, you probably know it, but just in case, here’s how to play. Everyone takes a turn starting a sentence with, “I never…” which usually comes out “I’ve never…” but anyway. If you have done the thing mentioned, you take a drink. Sentences get more inappropriate as the game goes on, as you can imagine.

Well, now I’ve figured out what the parenthood version of this is. We’ll call it, “I’ll never…” We’ll each make a list of things that we swore we’d never do as a parent. Then, as we compare lists, for every time you actually did the thing, you can take a swig of whatever it is you’re drinking these days. For me, it is some chai tea. Yum…

Sound good? That’s pretty much what today’s Monday Listicles is, inspired by Greta. I’m supposed to do ten, but I’m pleading enormous amounts of homework and just doing five this week.

So here we go! Raise your glass…

I’ll Never…

1. Let my little ones eat in the car. “I mean, have you seen people’s carseats or the floors? Ugh.” Yeah, they now have snack regularly in the car if we have to be somewhere mid-morning, or if I need to keep them awake until we can screech in for nap time. Oh well. That’s why they invented cordless vacuums, right?

2. Send them to their rooms as punishment. I used to think this was great, as I preferred to be alone than with whichever sibling had provoked me into misbehavior. (That’s right, it was all their fault!) But now, it’s the Logical Consequence of choice when Sebastian starts screaming his head off. You want to scream? Go to your room. I’ll be down here. With my chai.

3. Bribe them with food. I honestly can’t believe I ever even thought this. Of course I bribe them with food, usually in order to keep them quiet on an airplane, which is just a win for every single person on board, frankly.

4. Stomp out of a room and slam a door. Yes, I have a bad temper. But I try to show it very rarely, and certainly not in this childish way that you just know actual children would delight in copying. I did fine for three years, until the preschooler version of aggravated assault on his brother led to shouting, stomping, and yes, the slamming of the door. And also to an apology and an afternoon conversation about how even Mama sometimes makes bad choices, which totally preempted his learning a lesson about not hitting. Argh.

5. Have a favorite child. No, I don’t love one of them better than the other. But on any given day when their father walks in the door? It’s usually an easy choice which one to hand him for bedtime. So far they’re pretty good about taking turns being Captain A$$hole, so picking a five p.m. favorite is a no-brainer.

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I’m positive that the older the kids get, the longer this list will be. Do you still have something left in your cup? Head over to The Good Life and keep reading.