>To cry or not to cry

>A couple days ago, I took Sebastian for his second dentist appointment.  The last time we went was almost a year ago.  He hated it.  I attributed that to the fact that he had serious stranger anxiety then and was teething, so no way did he want anyone poking around in his mouth.  I hoped this time would be better.

On the way to the dentist, we talked the whole time about how we were going to see the dentist, what her name was and what was going to happen.  He chattered back and echoed that the dentist would “help you brush and clean your teef!”  Also, he seems to love talking to strangers in stores and everywhere else we go, or at least he loves to know their names and will wave goodbye to the cashiers at the grocery store or Target.  Seemed like yes, this time might indeed be better.

Yeah…not so much.  He began to cry as soon as the receptionist wanted to take his picture with a webcam. He calmed down for a minute until the hygienist came over and started to talk to him.  Then he cried like she was hurting him and clung to me like a little monkey.  She seemed surprised, and kept saying, “But we’re just talking!”  He was having none of it.

Then she asked me the Question:  “Do you just want his teeth checked today or cleaned and checked?  We don’t mind if he cries, but it’s up to you.”

Ugh.  Here it was.  The questions I think I have been asking myself every day since the child was born.  What is important enough that he needs to get through it, even if it means crying?  What can be let go of so that he doesn’t end up thinking that certain experiences are traumatizing?  What is he just too little to be expected to handle?  Should I have done more prep with him ahead of time so that it wouldn’t come to this?  Will they think I am mean and heartless if I let him cry through a cleaning?  Will they think I am some kind of overindulgent twit if I forego the cleaning because he’s already upset?  Will he learn that if he cries, he gets his way?  Will he hate going to the dentist for the next few visits if I make him sit through it now, or will he just learn that this is one of those things you have to deal with and move on?

I know you are feeling now the same way I was then:  AHHHHHHH!!!!

It’s too much.  Too much pressure to be the perfect parent.  Too much pressure from ourselves and yes, too much pressure from people who feel the need to judge us, even if they do so silently.  We see the looks you give us when our kids are crying or when we do something to make them stop.  We note whether you smile and nod or just stare or give us a cool, “What is the matter with that mother?” glance no matter what choice we make.  And it’s exhausting trying to do the mental gymnastics, even if we are our own worst critics and we shouldn’t care what most people think.

I chose to skip the cleaning by the hygienist but have the dentist at least check his teeth and mouth.  It meant some serious crying (but only for a few minutes) but an all-clear from the dentist on his overall oral hygiene.

He left happily holding his new blue kangaroo toothbrush, waved goodbye to the receptionist, and chattered the whole way home about how “We went to DENTIST!!”

Clearly a lot of this turmoil is happening only in my own head.  But it is the millionth reminder to me to be less judgmental of parents – including myself.