What Not to Say

Someday my friend and I are going to write a book.  We’ve had the title ready for a long time.  It’s going to be called What Not to Say: How to Avoid Being a Well-Meaning Idiot.

Now we’re in the data-gathering stage.  You know what the most useful tool has been for collecting it?  Comments on social media.

But let’s back up a moment.

First, what is a Well-Meaning Idiot?

It is a person who, upon hearing that someone else is having a hard time of some sort, says precisely the wrong thing.  What distinguishes the Well-Meaning Idiot from a Jerk is that the latter doesn’t have any intention of making the other person feel better.  The former truly feels bad and wants to help.

We’ve all been there.  You ask your friend how she’s doing, completely innocently as part of a “Hey, how are you?” kind of greeting.  She responds by telling you she’s having an awful day.  You ask why.  She tells you her problem.  And suddenly you’ve gone from having what you expected to be a more or less pleasant conversation to trying desperately to think of something to say that will cheer her up.

Most of the time, especially if it’s someone who is an acquaintance or casual friend, you end up saying some sort of horrible cliché like, “Oh, that’s too bad.  Well, I’m sure everything will turn out all right.”

The other person is thinking, “Oh really?  What makes you think that?  I have no freaking clue how anything is going to turn out, because if I knew it would be all right, would I really be upset about it?  No. No, I wouldn’t.”

But she, too, is well-meaning and also probably desperate to take back what she said and walk away from you, so she says, “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.”

Now, I have done this and many, many of the other items on my What Not to Say list.  But they are not helpful.  And the more people say them to you, the more irritating they are, to the point where you start wanting to shout at people or wear signs that say something like, “Whatever you say, DO NOT SAY ____________” and just fill it in as you go about your day.

So back to social media.  Since many of us (myself included) enjoy using our blogs, Facebook, and Twitter to complain about whatever is bugging us at the moment (as well as bragging about our children), the opportunities for Well-Meaning Idiocy are nearly endless.  People feel compelled, even over the internet, to say something when another person is sad or mad or disappointed.  Usually an unhelpful response is not a big deal, like my example above.  But too often it really is hurtful, and because we know the person meant well, we feel bad telling her so.

Therefore, as a teaser to our someday future when-I-have-more-time book and my public service announcement of the day, here are some of my top What Not to Say’s for various situations.  Because I’m sure you hate being a Well-Meaning Idiot just as much as I do.

What Not to Say:

Having a bad day: “Just smile!  You’ll feel better in no time!”

Trouble finding the right partner: “The perfect guy will show up as soon as you stop looking for him.”

Miscarriage: “You wouldn’t want a sick baby, so it’s for the best.”

Not getting pregnant: “It’ll happen if you just relax and stop thinking about it so much.”

Third-trimester of pregnancy: “Sleep now because after that baby comes, you won’t sleep for a year.”

Dealing with terrible twos: “Oh man, you think 2 is bad?  Just wait until they turn 3.  Now THAT is miserable.”

Dealing with miserable threes: “It doesn’t get any better when they get older, either.  Teenagers are the WORST.”

Finding out your child is seriously ill: “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

Any other sort of bad news:  “Well, everything happens for a reason.”

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I know what you’re thinking: “But some of those are TRUE!”  I know.  It doesn’t matter.  Don’t say them.

The main question we all have, though, is “What the heck am I supposed to say, then?”

Well, on the one hand I hate to give away the ending of our book, but on the other I would really like to help us all stop hearing these things as soon as humanly possible, so I’m going to go ahead and tell you.

There are many wonderful things to say, but most of them are a) situation-specific and b) original.

The only cliché that seems to work for any situation is some variation of, “I’m sorry.  That really stinks.”

Meanwhile, I’m also compiling a list of great responses to the Well-Meaning Idiots so that we don’t have to smile and take it every time.  Got any good ones?  Feel free to share.  It’ll be your good deed of the day.