There, I said it.

Every week I get those emails from Baby Center about the development of one or the other of my children, and the ones for Theo often include a link to this poll:

Breastfeeding:
a) love it
b) hate it
c) some parts are great; some parts are difficult

I usually pick (c), but I think I’m going to come right out and admit that often I want to choose (b).

That’s right, I’m going to take on the Nursing Nazis and this ridiculously controversial topic and say that I wish there were no such thing as breastfeeding.  Before I begin, I want to say a few things up front to put your mind at ease.  First, I think that for some people it is an incredible experience and… you know, kudos to them.  Second, I have definitely loved some aspects of nursing each of my boys and for sure it is easier this time around with Theo.  And third, I recognize that I don’t have to breastfeed.  Which brings me to why I wish there were no such thing…

1)  You feel compelled to do it.  Many, many other talented writers have taken on this topic and poked fun at the enormous pressure we all feel and the crazy thoughts we have as parents that if we don’t breastfeed we are dooming our children to lives of earaches and mediocrity.  We know intellectually it’s not true.  And yet… the “breast is best” message is nearly impossible to ignore if you pay attention to anything related to parenting whatsoever.  And the data just keeps on rolling out to support that breastmilk is better than formula for so many reasons I don’t have time to write them all down before someone wakes up.

So it’s pretty hard to tell yourself that what’s best for your children is also not having a mother who is insane (see reasons for insanity below) and that they will be just fine.  Even though you KNOW it’s true, you’ve met people who are perfectly normal who had pretty much all formula and even if you’ve given formula to your older child.  You still feel this crazy guilt for not breastfeeding.  You feel the need to explain to people why you stopped or why you supplement with formula, because total strangers will parrot “breast is best” at you if you don’t.  (I’m not making that up.  People are obnoxious.)

Even saying this out in the blogosphere leads to comments about the fact that you shouldn’t have children if you’re not prepared to make sacrifices for them, which is both rude and stupid since fathers get to become parents without this enormous burden.  I think the pressure to do it is one of the absolute worst aspects of this job.  If no one cared how we fed our children as long as we fed them, it would be a lot easier.

2)  It sets the mother up as the default parent.  I thought surely I had written about the default parent before on this blog, but somehow that topic never got out of my head.  But you know what I’m talking about, call it what you will:  Default parent, Parent of Last Resort, the Nursing Mom.  You are the person who MUST be with the baby every 2-4 hours or else you have to pump or supplement (see below about the breastpumps, a.k.a. the bane of my existence).  And how many of us have had the tired father hold out the screaming baby and say, “I’m pretty sure he’s hungry,” and you try not to have your head explode because seriously you just fed that kid an hour ago and two hours before that and SURELY he isn’t hungry, but then you take him and he snuggles in and eats like you’ve been starving him and the dad looks at you like, “See?  Of course I couldn’t calm him down,” and it’s a good thing you’re busy nursing because otherwise you’d throw something at him.  {Or maybe that’s just me.  But I don’t think so.}  The point is that then YOU HAVE THE BABY, and in order to get any time to yourself you have to ask someone else to take him after you’re done nursing, whereas everyone else has a clear endpoint to their time with the child – when he needs to eat again.  Sometimes you, the nursing mother, could have him all day before anyone else notices.

3)  Wardrobe malfunctions.  Honestly, having to spend a ton of money on special nursing gear seems crazy, but if you don’t then you end up having to lift up your entire shirt every couple of hours, which is cold and also a bit much for people who have any kind of desire for personal privacy.  It’s fine in the comfort of your own home, but who stays home all day every day?  And no matter what you wear out, you have to choose between using a blanket or nursing cover or risk snide comments about nursing in public, no matter how legal and supposedly acceptable it is.  Finally, I don’t know how many times I have also forgotten to pull my tank top back up and walked around with half my bra showing without realizing it.  Using a bottle?  Rated E for everyone.

4)  Breastpumps.  Seriously.  I hate these things.  They have a zillion parts that have to be cleaned after every pumping, and they look like medieval torture devices.  Yes, they allow people to continue “breastfeeding” even if they go back to work.  But they don’t let you truly skip a feeding because every time you don’t nurse you have to pump or else you have less milk the next day.  So it’s not like this is a free pass to get a day off.  You still need to be disrobing every couple of hours (see above).  I knew my experience of pumping at work was about to end the day I looked down while pumping in the conference room off my classroom and saw that I was pumping out my own blood.  I kid you not.  Apparently I had gotten some kind of cut earlier without knowing it and as I watched the pump go, red liquid was being squeezed out of me and into the little collector bottle.  Clearly I am still traumatized.

5)  Night duty.  This goes back to the default parenting, but really, if you’re nursing then you’re the one who’s sleep-deprived, end of story, unless you night-wean or pump enough at some other point in the day.  I’ve tried to have other people take night shifts, but then everyone just ends up tired because I still have to get up to nurse even if the other person then changes the diaper, puts the baby back to bed, etc.  It’s helpful once in a while, but for the most part it’s all me, every night.  Every.  Night.

6)  Better bonding with bottles.  Everyone says that you bond more with your baby when you breastfeed because you have to hold him closely for every feeding.  You see pictures of these blissed-out mothers (who I’m convinced are mostly just massively sleep-deprived based on #5) and their babies gazing up at them.  I have never found this to be the case.  Both of my boys nursed with eyes closed or staring vaguely off in the distance.  When I give them a bottle, they stare up at me with all the adoration a mother could want.  So to me the bonding was a lot better when I gave up the breastfeeding.  I know, that’s not true for everyone, which is why I put it last.

I know, I know, I’ve made it sound like it’s all bad.  It’s not.  It is awesome always having his food with me and ready to go, no bottles necessary.  I’m proud, knowing that all of Theo’s weight gain so far is my accomplishment.  I love rubbing his soft little head while he eats and holding his tiny hand, neither of which I seem to do when he takes his evening bottle.  That’s why I choose (c) on the poll.

I’m all for choices, and I’m happy that many mothers get to choose how to feed their babies.  But I wish there were no such thing as breastfeeding so that one choice wasn’t considered better than another by overwhelming consensus.  And so OUR choice to have children doesn’t feel overwhelmingly like MY responsibility for the first year (or so) of each child’s life.

I’d come up with a clever ending here, but it’s time for me to nurse the baby.

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Wow, I know I’m low on functioning brain cells when I forget two of my top reasons why breastfeeding is so hard.

7)  It hurts.  I’m going to interrupt you and your “If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong,” mantra and say that it hurts no matter what.  At least at the beginning, and occasionally at the start of each feeding, and definitely if you get horrible things like cracked nipples, mastitis, or a blocked duct.  Those last three caused major toe-curling pain, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong according to the hospital’s lactation consultant.  It just goes with the territory for a lot of moms.

8) The limited diet.  Sure, we know about not having a glass of wine too often (or pumping and dumping), but for some unlucky moms there is the realization that what we are eating is causing some gastrointestinal distress for our little ones.  That’s the fancy way of saying they get awful gas and wake up many times a night wriggling their lower halves, crying, and tooting like an old Chevy.  It’s no fun to give up most forms of dairy, I assure you, though it is worth the extra sleep we both get.  Still, when it’s Saturday and I know I used to enjoy my Ben & Jerry’s and relax after the boys’ bedtimes, I do curse the power(s) that be for inventing this breastfeeding nonsense.

And now you know what I’ll be doing the very day I finally wean Theo:  eating an entire pint of Chubby Hubby.