This is going to be one of those posts, in which the words come swirling out in no particular order, and since it’s too late to edit it, they will just remain that way – unless your brain knows how to unswirl them better than mine.
I am feeling lost. Again? As usual? Something like that. I’ve just typed paragraph after paragraph, deleting each one before beginning the next. Because I really am not trying to make anyone’s head spin by reading my posts.
Perhaps the easiest way to begin is by saying that I haven’t been here because I’ve been out there, living the whole rest of my life, and each day it felt like I couldn’t sit down and write about it afterward. Sometimes it was because I thought no one would really care what funny thing Sebastian said except his grandparents. Or because I didn’t take any pictures that would’ve made easy blog posts and captured without words what we’ve been up to. I didn’t really think anyone needed to read about how overwhelmed I’m feeling taking on yet another new teaching position and having to learn an entirely new curriculum, on top of the fact that I’m not done with my grad school classes yet.
But the main reason I didn’t post is that in this space I don’t write about certain things, like fights I have with particular people, or how other people make me completely enraged. This isn’t a private blog, and some lines can’t be crossed. My brain, busy processing anger and frustration, couldn’t write about anything else, because somehow I don’t know how to do that (reason #42 why I’d never make it as a professional writer who had assigned topics and deadlines).
Perhaps if I’d written, my anger would’ve drifted away, as the calm of sitting down to write took over. Or else I’d have ended up pounding away on my keyboard and publishing something I’d have to apologize for, and I hate apologizing. It could’ve gone either way, so I erred on the side of caution.
Fortunately, all things come to an end, and the calendar changed and suddenly it was Birthday Time. One birthday yesterday, one officially today because it’s after midnight, but it really feels like tomorrow, so…
Today is the Day Between.
Four years ago it was the day I came home with a new baby.
Two years ago it was the day before I would have another.
Today I’ve been scattered, trying to get back in the swing of things after returning from the You-Must-Be-Crazy Tour (9 days, three cities, four 6+-hour travel adventures) to land right smack in the middle of the first birthday.
But now it’s dark and quiet, so I get to sit here and ponder the miracles of Four and Two.
Fortunately, they are many.
This is the only year when one will be twice as old as the other, even though he is wearing his little brother’s pajamas, which were astronaut-themed and therefore the only thing he could possibly be expected to wear.
This is the year when they’ve both just reached huge milestones and life gets infinitely more interesting (speaking in complete sentences on one hand; reading & writing on the other).
This is the first full year that they truly know how to play together, in between arguing over whose balance bike it really is or which hexbug gets to go first, of course.
This year they will go to the same school on the same days, playing together on the same playground after lunch.
This year we will still have our afternoons together before anyone goes off to kindergarten.
This is the year of “My do it self!” and “Watch me, Mama!” but not yet the year of “Why?”
This is the year of learning to ride a tricycle and a two-wheeler, and how to take turns with the scooter.
This is the year when they will begin sharing a room and bunk beds and probably giggles at 9 p.m. when they should be sleeping.
I don’t yet know what this year holds for me, but I have a feeling that it will be a golden one for the boys.