I’ll never…

Do you remember that drinking game “I Never”? If you went to college, you probably know it, but just in case, here’s how to play. Everyone takes a turn starting a sentence with, “I never…” which usually comes out “I’ve never…” but anyway. If you have done the thing mentioned, you take a drink. Sentences get more inappropriate as the game goes on, as you can imagine.

Well, now I’ve figured out what the parenthood version of this is. We’ll call it, “I’ll never…” We’ll each make a list of things that we swore we’d never do as a parent. Then, as we compare lists, for every time you actually did the thing, you can take a swig of whatever it is you’re drinking these days. For me, it is some chai tea. Yum…

Sound good? That’s pretty much what today’s Monday Listicles is, inspired by Greta. I’m supposed to do ten, but I’m pleading enormous amounts of homework and just doing five this week.

So here we go! Raise your glass…

I’ll Never…

1. Let my little ones eat in the car. “I mean, have you seen people’s carseats or the floors? Ugh.” Yeah, they now have snack regularly in the car if we have to be somewhere mid-morning, or if I need to keep them awake until we can screech in for nap time. Oh well. That’s why they invented cordless vacuums, right?

2. Send them to their rooms as punishment. I used to think this was great, as I preferred to be alone than with whichever sibling had provoked me into misbehavior. (That’s right, it was all their fault!) But now, it’s the Logical Consequence of choice when Sebastian starts screaming his head off. You want to scream? Go to your room. I’ll be down here. With my chai.

3. Bribe them with food. I honestly can’t believe I ever even thought this. Of course I bribe them with food, usually in order to keep them quiet on an airplane, which is just a win for every single person on board, frankly.

4. Stomp out of a room and slam a door. Yes, I have a bad temper. But I try to show it very rarely, and certainly not in this childish way that you just know actual children would delight in copying. I did fine for three years, until the preschooler version of aggravated assault on his brother led to shouting, stomping, and yes, the slamming of the door. And also to an apology and an afternoon conversation about how even Mama sometimes makes bad choices, which totally preempted his learning a lesson about not hitting. Argh.

5. Have a favorite child. No, I don’t love one of them better than the other. But on any given day when their father walks in the door? It’s usually an easy choice which one to hand him for bedtime. So far they’re pretty good about taking turns being Captain A$$hole, so picking a five p.m. favorite is a no-brainer.

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I’m positive that the older the kids get, the longer this list will be. Do you still have something left in your cup? Head over to The Good Life and keep reading.

12 Responses to I’ll never…
  1. Harriet
    January 16, 2012 | 8:29 pm

    OH! I totally have a temper. I’m a full blown “YELLY MOM!” I caught myself calling my son a “naughty naughty boy!” Honestly who says that?! Of course, he says it all the time now, so it totally backfired. *LOL*

  2. Brandee
    January 16, 2012 | 8:42 pm

    I’ve also bribed my son with food. “Eat some chicken and then you can have another fry.” or “If you are good when we are shopping, we can stop at Booster Juice on the way home”. I also never thought that I would let him eat in my car. Peed on goldfish are soooo fun to clean up. LOL.

  3. Stasha
    January 16, 2012 | 9:18 pm

    You vacuum your car?!? That is just absurd.
    There was a time my son ate bulk of his food in he car. He is so fidgety that being strapped in was the perfect time to eat, since he had nothing better to do And no, I never went as far as giving him steak and mashes…

  4. Recovering Supermom
    January 16, 2012 | 10:33 pm

    Heehee! I like your suggestion of the drinking game and no, I wouldn’t have anything left in my cup if I hadn’t already finished my hot chocolate. 🙂 Your 5pm favorite cracks me up, because it’s true! Great list!

  5. Tami
    January 17, 2012 | 12:04 pm

    I vacuum my car! Hate to break it to you but it doesn’t get any better when they are teens too!

  6. Rach
    January 17, 2012 | 1:10 pm

    Haha! I love this! I have had to eat my words on so many things I said about having a pet (calling myself it’s “mom”, dressing it in clothes, etc) so I can only imagine how many things I will have to take back when I have kids, haha!

  7. Bridget
    January 17, 2012 | 10:20 pm

    Some days I wait for them to give me a reason to send them to their room. Sad but true.

  8. Grumpy Grateful Mom
    January 17, 2012 | 11:37 pm

    This was a great list idea! My care is not a pretty sight most days and I am a notorious “go to you room.” sender. Occasionally it’s even, “Go to your room, forever!”

  9. Audrey
    January 18, 2012 | 7:05 am

    I still don’t let mine eat in the car… or my husband for that matter. It grosses me out! But i feel like I may be eating my own words with that one

  10. Missy | The Literal Mom
    January 22, 2012 | 5:55 pm

    I was SUCH a good mom – before I had kids. 😉

  11. Pamela
    January 26, 2012 | 7:25 am

    I wish I could take back all the sanctimonious stuff I said to fellow moms before I had kids. I didn’t realize it was at the time…now, wow, I’m a little embarrassed by by well intentioned “advice” or opinions. I never thought I’d let V sleep in our bed. I thought I’d limit her tv better. I never thought I’d yell. I never thought I’d nurse for over two years. I never thought I’d let V eat in every room of the house. I never thought of myself as selfish until I had a kid. Ah…the things that change as we find ourselves as parents and moderate the idealistic versions we carried around with us pre-kid! Great post!

  12. Pamela
    January 26, 2012 | 7:26 am

    I wish I could take back all the sanctimonious stuff I said to fellow moms before I had kids. I didn’t realize it was at the time…now, wow, I’m a little embarrassed by my well intentioned “advice” or opinions. I never thought I’d let V sleep in our bed. I thought I’d limit her tv better. I never thought I’d yell. I never thought I’d nurse for over two years. I never thought I’d let V eat in every room of the house. I never thought of myself as selfish until I had a kid. Ah…the things that change as we find ourselves as parents and moderate the idealistic versions we carried around with us pre-kid! Great post!